By Dr. Marion Somers, Ph. D., Dr. Marion Tips

1. Discover your elder's varied, rich, and valuable knowledge. The elderly are full of wisdom and experience, and you can learn so much by engaging your elder from this point of view.

    

2. Understand your elder's needs and wants. Try to fulfill his or her wishes if possible. Discuss highlights such as a sweet sixteen, a prom, college, children, service to the country, and his or her career. If Hagen Dazs vanilla bean ice cream is the request, don't come back with store brand chocolate.

    

3. The goal is for your elder to pass on from this world with the utmost dignity, comfort, and respect. Listen to your dying elder. Who was he/she for so many years? Learn about heart breaks and heart throbs. It's a golden opportunity for your elder to heal rifts and cement bonds forever.

    

4. Offer solace and comfort while remaining comfortable in your own value system. Validate your elder's life. He/she probably needs someone to talk to. Develop personal rituals for health, peace of mind, stress relief, and spiritual outlets.

    

5. Prepare for the funeral with your elder and be sure you know what should be done with his or her remains. You might find he/she is much more comfortable discussing the topic than everyone else. If appropriate, pick out the clothing that will be worn at the funeral. What rituals should be performed? If they're different from your traditions, learn about them and fulfill them.

    

6. Enjoy the process of helping your elder write his/her obituary. Have your elder answer a few questions such as: I feel deeply passionate about; I've learned this from my failures and mistakes; This moment or event was the turning point in my life; The miracles in my life are; I'd still like to accomplish; My mentors and role models have been; And this is my favorite! What's your single most valuable lesson in life?

    

7. Face the business side of death by preparing final papers, the funeral, and final finances ahead of time. This includes the will, inheritance planning, taxes, gifts, the obituary, and the service.

    

8. After death, notify family members and friends, and then oversee the funeral. You're also required by law to notify the Social Security department and all banks and other financial institutions. Other legal issues include informing the post office, closing or selling of the home, taking care of any animals, changing the locks on the doors, and dividing assets according to the will.

    

9. Grief is an important part of death, so allow yourself to experience it. Grief is healthy, and a powerful way to show love. Grief can be internalized through thoughts and feelings, but you need to allow yourself to externalize grief by expressing it in tears and words. We were given tear ducts to relieve the stress and pressure of life, so use them.

    

10. Don't be afraid of death. It's a natural part of life. Every generation has a one hundred percent mortality rate. Most people give me a weird look when I bring this up. But seriously, death is a certain reality.

     

11. You're not alone in your caregiving challenge. You can do it! Reach out for the support you need. Doctor Marion is here to help.

©2006-2017 Elder Health Resources of America, Inc.